Depression

gaylerose

For the past year and a half I have been battling Depression and Anxiety. I’ve lost everything, been at my lowest and pulled myself back up. Never have I felt so alone. 

You’re surrounded by people that love you and want to help you but you still feel completely alone because you’re trapped inside your own head. You can try and explain how you feel until you are blue in the face but nobody will ever really understand. It’s such a lonely place. You are angry and sad and spiteful and act completely out of character because you are so fucking angry at something, you know it’s something but you don’t know what. You blame anything you possibly can just so there’s a reason for this behavior. You hate people, you hate social situations, you hate pretending you’re ok. Bed is your favourite place, you can just lie in the darkness and not say a word, bed isn’t judging you and won’t speak, that’s good. The thought of moving from bed is unbearable, you have no energy, no motivation and no reason. You convince yourself that nothing is good in life. Your own mind becomes your worst enemy. You sleep because that is the only place to go where you don’t feel anything. 

I am stuck in a world full of happy people, I am surrounded by friends and family that love me, I have a good life.. So why am I so sad? 

#Depression 

23 thoughts on “Depression”

  1. Pingback: Depression | gaylerose

  2. Please keep fighting. I battled with depression for a while as well after I lost my baby, but I kept pushing and tried to find happiness somewhere. Please search for it even in the smallest thing you can find. That little bit of light can open a huge door for you.

    I’ll be praying for you.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, I’m so sorry to hear about your precious baby, we all find a way to carry on somehow. Sometimes we just need a helping hand.

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      1. I know it is tough to get through, but what I believe is that there are more unfortunate people out there who don’t have people to love them. So when we have people who support us, we should try and get out of it.

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  5. Sorry for your struggle. My husband struggled with depression in the past and I have struggled with anxiety. It can be rough and does not always make sense, but don’t lose hope! We’re both better now (though it took some time~ I struggled on and off for most of my life as did my husband!). I found that medication helped me a lot, which I only began about 2 1/2 years ago. We believe God healed my husband after he received some special prayer, as he has never struggled to the same degree since that time. Don’t give up! I’ll pray for you as well! You are valuable and thank you for sharing your thoughts so honestly!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, recently I felt like I was in control again and I was getting better and then yesterday it returned with a vengeance, I was so upset because I had fought so hard to be myself and this horrible illness is stronger than me. I wrote this blog to try and understand it more myself and to hear other people’s stories so that we can help eachother and feel less alone. I’m so glad you and your husband are better now. Thank you for your prayers, it means a lot to me.

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  6. Hello, my name is Francisco, Jackie’s husband. I read your blog and I start to remember how bad it was for me. It was angering for me because i was always the happy one, the clown of the party, the joker, the funny one. I was always the one that volunteered at church and served Jesus. I felt alone because I felt that i needed to perform for others. Don’t get me wrong, I am an extrovert, and a funny one. But i never felt that I could talk to anyone. I don’t know when it started, maybe at 15, at 18 for sure. In a sea of people, i felt that I was in a dark bubble. I lost things that were important to me and i wasn’t prepared to take care of my self. It got to the point where i almost killed my self. Thats when i got help. I told my closest friend, and i told my favorite teacher (this was in college, i was 21 at the time). They got me connected, and i felt like I finally was able to talk to someone about this. I also kept involved in the church and started going to my friend college group. At this point, when i thought things should get better, it got worse. These people loved me, and i hated it because I felt that i didn’t deserve it (their love). It took a while, but it clicked when my counselor told me to say this

    “My life is worth living, And I am worth loving, no matter what”

    I spent a year of learning coping skills, picking people i can trust, and doing things (even when you feel like you can’t). Those skills kept me alive when my friend died in an accident. The biggest tragedy in my life.

    Still, even though this was the most difficult thing i had happen to me, I wasn’t as depressed as I was when I was 18 and dealing with life. I still miss him to this day (its been 3 years since his passing) and i feel the sadness come. But I have learned that I can move on and not feel guilty about it.

    One big thing that kept me close to Jesus was the depression. It kept me relying on him because he was my strength. I made it from 15-20 with only his help. because i knew he loved me. (i still had to deal with the “why love me when i am nothing”) but I finally made a big jump from a big, chronic depression, to a very mild and “normal kind” of depression when i realized that “I may not be worth much, but he bought me with his own blood. He died for me so that I could live. I was bought with the blood of a king”

    I don’t expect you to remember my story, but i just hope you remember this

    You are worth loving, and your life is worth living, NO MATTER WHAT!

    we love you, and pray for you. don’t face this alone. Look for the God who helped me change from a broken man who didn’t want to live to a Social Worker who is working to help kids.

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      1. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and thank you for your support, im feeling a bit down today but the lovely messages and comments are making me feel so loved. I really do appreciate it

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      4. From my husband : I know that feeling, and i know how debilitating it is. But you need to fight this. volunteer, get out with people you trust, find something to do. I worked with kids, and animals.
        Even if you don’t want to do anything, you have to fight. This will be a difficult fight.

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  7. Hey, you’re amazing. I just want you to keep that in mind, that you’re amazing, and that you’re here in this world for a reason. Feeling sad is natural, but you also need to remember to get back on your feet. Stay strong and keep writing. ❤ I’m rooting for your!

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  8. Depression is like an invisible anchor that no one can cast off or undo, not even the barer sometimes. Knowing it is there is a solid chunk of the battle. I hope it gets better for you and you find a place where you feel worthy and truly loved, not because the world told you to, but because its how your heart feel.

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  9. I have gone through depression as well (as well as having horrible social anxiety and eating disorder). I’m not asking you to follow my blog, but please check out my blog posts “how to overcome depression”,”perception is power”, and “the most untraveled road”. I think it’ll help. After you read/watch them, if you like the content feel free to follow. If you need someone to talk to and you are going too far into depression feel free to email me. I am here for anyone!

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